D=< EEEEERRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!! D=< .

Anyone who knows me knows that i don't normally cuss. In order for me to be cussing I would have to really mad. Let me just say that this morning and last night every other word out of my mouth was a cuss word. I was SO MAADDD I was seeing red, my teeth hurt from grinding them together and I could not sit still to save my life. I was so far past the point of screaming it wasn't even funny. I was to the point that i would have smashed someone's face into a box of nails if they were around. The person who made me this mad better watch themselves cause I have enough of my dad in me to be able to hold a grudge for a VERY LONG TIME! Once soccer season starts it is on, no mercy for her this year. This person made me mad and when i told the story to my friends they got mad too. This chick's life is gonna suck for the rest of the school year and longer if she plays soccer again *insert evil smile here*
Okay enough about how mad i am in the aftermath of last night, I'll tell you a little story about why I'm so worked up. Last night i text one of my friend (who happens to also be an ex) because me and one of our mutual friends were worried about him. He has been acting strange for a good while now and it just wasn't him. He use to own up to his mistakes and even if they weren't his mistake he'd rather blame himself than someone else. Now he ALWAYS blames others for things going on. He use to be nice and try to be there for people when they needed advice or just someone to talk to. Now he blows others off, is rude to them and just acts like a jerk to people. Anyways, back on topic, I text him to see if he'd tell me what's been going on lately and he starts acting funny. Starts asking why i was talking to him and what i wanted so i started poking fun at him (like i normally do when he's being weird to get him to loosen up and be normal again) and i was saying how i knew his face was kinda funny looking but some people are okay with talking to funny looking people and joking around like normal. He starts getting meanish and saying how I'm ugly and he's so hot and how I'm not even in the same league as him and how i shouldn't be allowed to watch a stupid movie about retarded hannah montanna because it had a hot peoson in it and that ugly people shouldn't be allowed to watch hot people in movies. and there is alot more but right now class is almost over so it will have to wait for another day.

Update: bf or BF??

Wellllll The whole boyfriend thing didn't work =( He's a sweetheart (even tho he hates when i call him that lol). I think he is sweet tho. We went out for a bit but my parents didn't like him so i couldn't tell them when i was going to hang with him. And his parents were really nice to me always but it just made me sad that we couldn't work out.... We stayed friends after we broke up and i hung out with him some (he's fun to hang out with =) ) and now he's going back out with his ex (i really hate it!!!!) She is not nice to him and she cheates on him and uses him just becausse she's obsessed with having a boyfriend and is a total freak that needs to just move away and stay far away cause she's a......ERG i can't say that word on here but u know what i'm thinking. Yea i really don't like her. And she gets REALLY mad at hm if he texts other people so i don't get to talk to him much unless he texts me first and i know she's not around so i don't get him in trouble.... Okay well that's about it so yea....

....OMG =( =( =( =(

Marie is LEAVING!!!!!!!!! Its horrible!!! I mean im happy for her and getting into the Academy but im SAD that she's leaving. Idk i guess i just thought we'd have two more years together before we all started feeling sad and like we'd never see each othe again....its so depressing! It's gonna be so different around here without her.... =(

WAAAARRRR!!!!!

Yesterday i got involved in a "war". The lines are being drawn as we speak. HAHA i just recruited Tim to be on my side =) Okay other people on my side are Aris, Marie, Dana, Michaela, Poop (CJ), and i've been workin on the Wilson twins last night. Marie is trying with Eric and i could get some guys off the trck team if need be. Some of the other side is Ethan, Lance, Travis, and that's all i know of. They use to have Tim but we got him now lol he's like Italy =) I don't know any of their other people or if they even have other people.
This all started with Aris, Ethan and Lance in Career Planning making those towns that Mrs. Fears has us do. For some reason their towns were like "attacking" eachother (mrs fears don't n-know bout this) and they were talking about it in Human Body Systems and i ended up getting involved and told i was on Aris' side cause he didn't have anyone on his side. By the end of the day i had gotten Marie, and Poop with him and Dana and Micaela. Now ethan and lance have hardly anyone that i know of on their side.
I don't believe there is a point to this war besides that it's funny and who really needs a point? It entertains me =) I would ask Devin to be on my side but he would just thnk it's retarded and that im crazyer than he already does but that's okay cause he's pretty cool and he still my friend even tho he thinks im kinda insane lol. Okay i think i've talked bout this enough. I might have to update it sometime just to keep track of out battles =)

STUPID PASSWORDS!!!

OMG!!!! I just now figured out my password!!! I forgot this password to get into this and then i forgot my yahoo password and o my gosh!! i have only like 15 minutes left in class.

Okay so what i wasnted to blog about today was once again boys. One particular boy who has been giving me grief lately is about to drive me crazy. The kid likes me one day them the next he acts like he hates me....i don't know what to do WITH HIM! I try to just talk to him but he won't actually talk just answer my question or say lol. He won't contribute any more. If he doesn't like me then he needs to just tell me that. Cause i'm getting tired of this crap! Okay next boy. This one is dating one of my "friends" apparently she isn't a friend of mine. I don't want a backstabbing B**** as a friend. He is just as bad too. But with him i can't help but still like him even if i wish i didn't like him anymore.....UUUGGGHHH!!!!!! Next boy. well this one i kinda have a crush on but i don't think he know i exist.... Kinda a bummer... =( But there's always tonight =) and well until the end of the school year i guess. Well he hangs out with one of my guy friends so if i hang out with my friend he might be there.... =) Heehee =) Unfortunately my friend's gf is one of those crazy jealous psychotic people so she don't like when i hang out with him even tho there is NONONONONONONO NO way i like him like that. He's a cool friend but im not into him like that.

EEAKK

Welp lets see.......there's not much to talk about but knowing me i'll come up with somethin. It's officially Friday!!!! I'm fairly psyched! Most people i hang out with are in trouble tho....so this might not be so great....but no schoool and sleeping in so i'm happy. If it's nice i'll be outside gettin a tan. I might go see tyler and get the story about the fight at lunch and beat him up a little. Yea one of my guy friends got in a fight during his lunch (A lunch) and he's got 3 days oss. Luke isn't happy with him cause i think this might mean he's out of track for the season. Oh just thinkin bout it makes me wanna smack him so hard! Admittedly the other kid threw the first punch but honestly that just makes me mad. One of my friends mom's called my house while i wasn't home and asked if i knew where my friend was (it was like 10) but then my friend pulled in. Why would she be so late??? Speaking of friends OMG this same "friend" made me mad the other day at the track meet!!!!!! My ex came up to me and asked if i would be mad if he 'did' something withn one of my friends and i almost choked him!!! Okay so we ain't going out or anything but seriously?? He was like my FIRST love. That kid was just about the world to me while we were going out then he broke up with me (technically i mentioned it but he was leading up to it) then went back out with me, we broke up again at the beggining of this year, then we went back out for awhile just a little while ago and we ended up breakin up.......again. Then he goes and asks me That!!! What kind of person does that??? In deffense of the friend i've told her before that i was over him (lie) because i figure if you say it enough you might start feeling it....right?? I mean it's logical to think that if you say your over someone enough that you will actually be over them soon? That's what i figured but as of yet it hasn't worked so i'm gonna keep trying. WISH ME LUCK!!!! (((God i HOPE he don't look at this!!!!)))
On to happier subject now that i've got that off my chest. I think there's a chance i'm losin my bestestest friends.... (not happier subject but that's what comes to mind) it just feels like it alot of the times....i don't like it very much... Nother thing i don't like: Like 5 people have told me i've changed alot. I know i have to a certain point but i didn't realize how much some people didin't like it....it bothers me because 2 of the people who said it i really care about and don't ever wanna lose but they seemed like it was bad so maybe it is... because one of those 2 was there for me after luke hurt me pretty bad. This boy is just a sweetheart to me and he always has been. I wouldn't wanna do anything to hurt him. He seems like somethin is wrong lately but he hasn't wanted to talk about it so I've let him have his space. I just wish he'd tell me what's going on. He says that someone lied to him and he don't trust anyone anymore and that hurt my feeling but i didn't linger on that with him cause i don't wanna make him feel any worse. I just don't know what to do....... It makes me sad ='(

Time to go. LATER my peeps

Title

Welp. Its official. I'm taking a break from boys for awhile. i've tried to have some serious relationships lately but it just isn't happening right now so the plan is to just have fun for a while. I really have been trying to be a nice person and not explode on guys i've dated but last night that didn't really work out.....but that's okay cause the guy isn't that great and he was not a good kisser. echk =( i think my nose got involved with it to. Lol i will not mention names cause that would just be mean but after things that went down last night....I'm SOOO tempted! Anyways i'm gonna go look at my favorite person's blog now. =)=)=)

Doo-do-da-DOO!!!!!!

I have decided i'm tired of worrying about the guy drama in my life. What's the point? When your bored and need someone to talk to you will text your friends or boyfriend (if you have one but if you don't he may just be an interest) if they text you back there's a chance you will find relief from the fog that fills up life when there is nothing to do. The fog that clouds everything possibly fun from view and gives your mind the feeling that you will be forever lonely and bored, that makes you scared and on the verg of desperate to find someone that can relive you and bring the sun around so the fog will evaporate and you can be yourself. If the people you texted don't text back then you get desperate and text people that you normally wouldn't. I for one am guilty of texting people that normally i would never ever ever text just because i don't want to be alone with my own self and my brain. Thinking back on some of those times i have to wonder if your brain doesn't release the fog into your brain on purpose because in your subconsious it knows that good things come from the strangest places. There have been people in my life who i've text just because the fog had come and no one else was still awake and in the end he, yes again boys come back into the story, he changed my whole life and made me a better person just because he was there. This boy, not saying names, became one of my favorite people in the whole entire world and changed my life and me forever. He was my friend and secret keeper, rock and wings, he was the person i would look to before even my girl friends. In truth......I ABSOLUTELY LOVED THAT KID!!!!! and i still do, even tho i've never told him that and probably won't get that chance because he has a girlfriend now, his old one, and i havn't talked to him for awhile. Besides the fact that things changed between us and he got mad at me for a bit i still love him and still want to be there for him any time, any day because that's what he'd do for me. One day, when i get my phone back from my parents, as soon as i can i entend to tell him all of this...or maybe i'll tell him to read this.... He knew how i my brain worked so he'd understand the way i word things i think. Well i've given myself somethings to think about, which is what a journal/diary/blog thing is suppose to do i think so i'm gonna go. ttfn

yes i'm repetetive

I do realize that most of what i talk about has to do with boys but thats just the way it is i guess lol. Well anyways i'm in a really good mood lately =D We had a swim party for PAC and we watched the boys shave their heads and it was SO funny. While we were down in Mike's (one of our swim coaches) basement i made a new friend. We talked the whole time we were down there and then more once we went upstairs. He cracked me up! Well he knew my friend stephanie and got my number from her and we talked some more that night. The next day at PAC we talked and hung out practically the whole time. (Mike ended up making fun of me cause we were together so much) Like half the swim team asked if we were dating and it was just like no not really. Monday we had a home meet and during diving we were all sitting outside against the bleachers and a couple people started discussing me and him and how they thought we should go out (bf/gf). Now if you don't know me i'll tell you right now my face turned RED (it does that very easily whether i'm actually embarrassed or not) and i told them that it wasn't up for public discussion and if we were going to go out that they would have no part in it. He leans over and is like do you want to go out with me? of course i was like yea =) so i'm pretty happy bout that. Then Yesterday (wednesday) i stayed after practice with him for beachless volleyball and this homecoming practice thing for his brother and his bro's gf. We were down in the band hallway and Sam Baumgart has horrible timing. Okay so we ended up kissing =) and now im really happy =) =)

Someday.....maybe....? ERG you HOPE!!!

BOO YAW!!!!!! I am the type of person to think about things long after they are over. It's one of my many faults. At the moment tho i really really hate the fact that i do that. I wish that sometime i could just have something pretty good but bad happen to me and me not think about it forever. Last night i was texting someone and they said something that i just totally understand. It was: "Life is too complicated. Is it really too much to ask to be in love with someone and them love you back? I mean really?" It is kind of a depressing truth if you think about it.....especially in high school.... I mean to me it seems like everyone has something else going on with a different person than someone thinks. That doesn't make much sense but.....dude honestly! You start talking to a person and you kind of like him but then you hear about him talking to another person as well as you. What is with people and this drama crap??? If you don't want one person stop stringing them along with you words and actions! Be HONEST for a change and stop playing the games with people because it hurts. And then there's my own personal hole......and i can't seem to get out of it..... Who knows why i do this to myself....? I don't that's for sure! I wish that i could just go on with my life and not look back on what's lost and never coming back. Hope........HOPE. H.O.P.E. H-heartache O-obsessively P-pushed E-elsewhere i think that should be the definition of hope in the dictionary. My next question to anyone and everyone is this: If you get to know someone so well and you just click with that person.....but then you don't have that person.....if you hang out with them again do you both naturally fall back to the way it was? Or should it not be like that? Should it not be that easy? I've asked myself that over and over and over again but have had no briliant epiphaney as of yet but, there again, I've gotta hope. I fall back into the easyness of it all. I fall back to old habits and act dorky and insane and just me....i act like me. Strangely enough it's alot like it used to be....or at least last night it was. There was joking and hitting and licking and funny faces and laughing....lots and lots of laughing, and it felt right to me.....it felt like it should be like this every day all the time. Then the buzzer sounded and the spell was broken and we went our seperate ways and i'm pretty sure that today is gonna be at least as bad, if not worse than yesterday was. =( On that fairly depressing note i cannot leave....so i'll say this as my last.......I, surprisingly, kinda like my hole if i get this every once in awhile. lol yes I'm grasping at straws but hey, when in hell.....cook marshmallows and make smores lol =) ;-)